Give Me Back My Girlhood, It Was Mine First
As a therapist, I frequently encounter folks who feel fragmented and disconnected from their true selves. This disconnection can often happen in the aftermath of trauma. One aspect of healing from scary or traumatic things can be the reclaiming of a sense of self. This reclaiming can be a painful and challenging journey, but it can also result in profound healing and empowerment. Finding a way back to one’s self and integrating the connection self with the pieces that were hurt or broken can be very powerful.
Taylor Swift's song "Would've, Could've, Should've" beautifully explores the themes of regret, vulnerability, and loss of innocence. Reviewing the lyrics of this song provide an excellent metaphorical framework for the transformative process of healing after trauma.
Regret
One of the most challenging aspects of trauma can be the pervasive sense of regret and the relentless questioning of past choices. The lyric:
"And now that I'm grown, I'm scared of ghosts
Memories feel like weapons
And now that I know, I wish you’d left me wondering"
encapsulates the haunting desire to rewrite history, to undo the moments that led to pain. This regret can be paralyzing, trapping individuals in a loop of "what ifs" and "if onlys."
This theme is also explored in the lyrics:
”If I never blushed, then they could've
Never whispered about this”
I often encourage clients to acknowledge these feelings about the past without letting them define their present. The past cannot be changed, but the narrative around it can be re-framed. This often involves recognizing the courage it takes to survive trauma and understanding that the choices made were often the best possible ones given the circumstances at the time.
Conflicts
The lyrics
”And I damn sure never would've danced with the devil
At nineteen
And the God's honest truth is that the pain was heaven”
describe the paradoxical pleasure in pain that some can experience, especially in toxic or muddled relationships. This can be especially present in experience of sexual abuse. The contradictory nature of finding comfort or meaning in pain can reflecting the complexity of trauma and emotional experiences. The effort to keep the peace, both internally and externally, often leads to internal conflicts and emotional exhaustion.
In therapy, we can explore the concept of acceptance—acknowledging the limits of control and focusing on what can be managed. This shift from control to acceptance allows individuals to channel their energy into healing and self-compassion rather than self-blame and frustration.
Lost Innocence
The lyric
"Give me back my girlhood, it was mine first"
poignantly captures the betrayal and loss of innocence that often accompanies trauma. This lyric describes the loss of innocence and autonomy from a stolen childhood and sense of self. This sense of betrayal can extend beyond the immediate circumstances to a broader disillusionment with the world and oneself. Trust, once shattered, can be difficult to rebuild.
Reclaiming a sense of self involves rediscovering one's core values and beliefs, independent of the trauma. This process may include reestablishing boundaries, fostering new relationships built on trust, and reconnecting with activities and passions that bring joy and fulfillment. It can be about finding a new normal that honors the past while embracing the future.
Vulnerability
The lyrics:
”I regret you all the time
I can't let this go, I fight with you in my sleep”
The admission of regret highlights the ongoing struggle with painful memories and emotions. In a therapeutic context, vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but a testament to the strength required to confront and process trauma.
Therapy provides a safe space for this vulnerability, allowing individuals to express their feelings without judgment. Through this process, they learn that their experiences, though painful, do not define their worth. Instead, their resilience and capacity for healing become the defining features of their journey.
Reclaiming Identity
”God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be
The tomb won't close, stained glass windows in my mind”
The statement "I miss who I used to be" or “I miss the person I was before this” is a common sentiment among trauma survivors. Trauma can create a stark divide between the person one was before and the person they are now. This sense of a lost self can be deeply disorienting and distressing.
Reclaiming one's identity involves integrating the experiences of the past into a cohesive sense of self. This does not mean returning to who one was before the trauma but rather embracing a new, evolved self that encompasses both the pain and the growth that has come from it. It is about finding strength in vulnerability and wisdom in suffering.
Conclusion
Taylor Swift's "Would've, Could've, Should've" provides a rich tapestry of metaphors that can illuminate the path to reclaiming a sense of self after trauma. I witness daily the incredible strength and courage of individuals who embark on this journey. By acknowledging the past, embracing vulnerability, and redefining identity, it is possible to move from a place of regret and loss to one of healing and empowerment. The process is not easy or painless. However, it can be profoundly transformative, leading to a deeper, stronger, and more resilient sense of self.
Click Below to learn more about the use of metaphors in narrative therapy.
