When “long-term, long-distance, low-commitment, casual” isn’t for you

No major spoilers for those who have not seen the Barbie movie yet. In the movie, Ken asks Barbie to stay his “long-term, long-distance, low-commitment, casual girlfriend.” This term may hit too close to home for some viewers.

Defining and communicating what we want in relationships can be hard. You may seek reassurance that you are not in a dynamic of committing to and supporting a partner who may not be able or willing to reciprocate. What if you don’t want long-term, long-distance, low-commitment, and casual status from your partner? One way we can communicate about our needs and the health of our relationships with our partners is through the setting and maintenance of boundaries.

Boundaries are brought up a lot, but what are they and how do they work?

Boundaries are the limits or guidelines we establish to define how we want to be treated, what we're comfortable with, and what is respectful behavior in a relationship. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, or even digital. Boundaries can vary based on what we need and can look different for each person. Boundaries can be a helpful tool to take care of ourselves and our needs in relationship with ourselves and others.

Common Boundary Examples

• Time Boundaries
  Letting someone know when you're available to connect and when you need personal time.

• Physical Boundaries
  Defining your comfort level with physical affection. This can include physical touch, hugs, or being in our personal space.

• Emotional Boundaries
  Communicating limits on what you are comfortable sharing emotionally and what is not open for discussion.

• Financial Boundaries
  Establishing limits and expectations in shared financial arrangements or with lending or providing money.

• Digital Boundaries
  Defining how and when you are comfortable communicating digitally and what you are open to sharing online.

Why Are Boundaries Important?

• Respect
  Boundaries can be a way we experience respect for ourselves and show respect for others. They set clear expectations for how you want to be treated and what we need out of a relationship. Setting boundaries can be an act of self-care.

• Autonomy
  Boundaries can help preserve your individuality and freedom within a relationship. They can protect your sense of self, even as you connect with others.

• Emotional Well-being
  Establishing boundaries can be helpful to protecting your emotional and mental health. Setting and maintaining boundaries can prevent feelings of being overwhelmed or taken advantage of.

• Communication
  Clearly defined boundaries facilitate open and honest communication. Communicating about boundaries don’t have to be a “one and done” conversation where they are set and then never brought up again. They can open to door to helpful conversations where we let others in to knowing more about ourselves and our needs. These discussions about needs and expectations can result in deeper connections and further emotional intimacy.
  
  

Tips for Setting Boundaries

• Self-Reflection
  Start by understanding your own needs, values, and comfort levels. What are you willing to accept in a relationship, and what crosses the line for you? Do you want a casual relationship? Are you comfortable with long-distance or is that a hard limit for you? What needs would be present for you in a long-distance relationship compared to living with a partner? The answers to questions like these can be helpful to defining boundaries.

• Be Clear and Specific
  Clarity can be key to discussing boundaries. When setting boundaries, it can be helpful to be clear and specific about what is acceptable and what is not. Vague boundaries can lead to misunderstandings and open the door to confusion, resentment, and hurt.

• Right Time and Place
  Communicate effectively about your boundaries with the person involved. It can be helpful to be respectful but assertive when communicating your boundaries. Throwing out new limits in the heat of an argument may not be the best time or place to review a boundary.

• Stick to It
  Once you've established your boundaries, enforce them consistently. Not a “one and done” but an ongoing pattern. This can help build trust and respect within the relationship.

• Reassess and Adjust
  Boundaries can evolve and change just like relationships. Periodically revisit and adjust your limits to ensure they continue to meet your needs. Involve your partner as well, allowing them the opportunity to express their feelings and boundaries as well.

• Seek Support
  If you find yourself struggling to set or enforce boundaries, or are having a challenging time discussing boundaries in a helpful way, consider seeking support from a therapist or a trusted friend. Checking in with a support who can offer guidance and encouragement can be helpful.

Creating Your Boundary Dream House

Setting boundaries is not about building walls or being overly restrictive in your relationships. It is about creating an environment of mutual respect, understanding, and healthy communication. Healthy boundaries are a sign of self-respect, and they allow you to have more meaningful and fulfilling connections with others.

Setting and maintaining boundaries in relationships is a fundamental aspect of fostering healthy connections. It is a way to ensure that your needs are met, your feelings are respected, and your relationships thrive in a positive and respectful way. By communicating your boundaries effectively and respecting the boundaries of others, you can build stronger, more authentic relationships that contribute positively to your life.

If you are curious about working on boundaries in your relationships, click below for more information or to schedule a consultation.

Check out the Groups page below for more information on upcoming therapy groups that focus on boundaries, consent, and relationships.